Limited time: 30-minute debrief call with Dr. Fern included with your assessment. Claim Yours
PLANT PARENT PERSONALITY ASSESSMENT
Is Your Plant Dying? It's Not Too Late.
Take the Assessment and discover exactly why your houseplants keep dying : and what to do about it.
Takes 2 Minutes · Confidential Results
DX: SERIAL PLANT KILLER
You Are A Plant Parent
In Crisis
Look. We need to talk. You've killed your last plant. The fiddle leaf fig you spent $200 on because it would "tie the room together"? The succulents you were told were un-killable? They're all gone.
It’s not because you don’t care. It’s because you’ve been treating symptoms with random internet advice instead of making an accurate botanical diagnosis.
DIAGNOSTIC VISUAL 1.A
Note: Immediate intervention required. Overwatering symptoms misdiagnosed as drought stress.
Houseplant Hospice
Meet Your Plant
Doctor
For over 15 years, I've been the final stop for dying Monsteras, withered Ficus trees, and the green-thumb-challenged humans who love them. Welcome to a completely judgment-free zone where your botanical struggles are simply diagnostic data.
Plants don't hold grudges—they just need the right prescription to thrive. Together, we'll uncover what your leafy patients are trying to tell you, and build a sustainable recovery plan that fits into your actual lifestyle, not an idealized botanical fantasy.
WHAT'S INSIDE
The Diagnostic
Intervention
A detailed look at the 60-minute diagnostic tool and your personalized recovery plan.
60-Minute Assessment
Access the interactive portal to log your plant's symptoms, light exposure, and precise watering history for clinical evaluation.
Personalized Recovery Plan
Your custom diagnostic prescription. A step-by-step PDF detailing exact light, water, and soil interventions to revive your plant.
30-Minute Debrief Call
A one-on-one consultation with Dr. Fern to review your results, ask questions, and refine your plant's long-term recovery strategy.
DIAGNOSTIC OUTCOMES
A Clear Path to
Recovery
Discover exactly what you'll master after completing the plant parent assessment.
Stop the Killing Cycle
Learn to identify root rot, pest infestations, and exactly when to intervene.
Master Watering
Decode moisture levels and build a foolproof hydration schedule for any plant.
Decode Light Needs
Understand indirect, bright, and low light environments to place plants perfectly.
Confident Repotting
Know when to upsize, which soil mix to prescribe, and how to minimize shock.
CURRICULUM OVERVIEW
The Treatment
Protocol
MODULE 1
Triage & Diagnosis
We begin by assessing the critical damage. Learn how to read the physical symptoms of your plants, accurately identify the root cause of distress, and execute an immediate intervention to stop further decline.
MODULE 2
Stabilization & Care
Once the decline is halted, we create a healing environment. We scientifically adjust light exposure, regulate watering frequency, and deliver the precise nutrients needed to stabilize the root system.
MODULE 3
Thriving & Propagation
The final phase transitions your plant from simply surviving to flourishing. We implement advanced care techniques, establish long-term maintenance routines, and introduce safe propagation methods.
CLINICAL SUCCESS STORIES
The Wall of
Recovery
I thought my Fiddle Leaf was a lost cause after months of leaf drop. The hospice's diagnostic plan brought it back to life. Truly a miraculous recovery!
The clinical approach to root rot changed everything. My Monstera is now thriving and pushing out massive new fenestrated leaves every single week.
I used to be a chronic plant-killer. The targeted care prescriptions from Dr. Fern gave me the confidence to heal my notoriously dramatic Calathea.
Start Your
Treatment
DX: RECOVERY PLAN
- Comprehensive Plant Health Assessment
- Customized Step-by-Step Recovery Plan
- 1-on-1 SOS Coaching Call
- Ongoing Symptom Monitoring System
- Lifetime Access to the Hospice Community
ONE-TIME PAYMENT
$47
30-Day 'Green Thumb Guarantee'
DIAGNOSTIC CLARITY
Clinical
Questions
Even the most experienced plant parents encounter complications. Review our clinical FAQ to understand the recovery process, or reach out if your concern isn't addressed.
I have a brown thumb. Will this actually work for me?
Absolutely. This program is built specifically for chronic plant killers. We diagnose the root cause of your past failures so you can build a sustainable, thriving indoor jungle.
How much time does the recovery process take?
Most of our clinical interventions require less than 15 minutes per week. We focus on high-impact, low-maintenance routines that fit into busy schedules.
What happens during the debrief call?
The debrief call is a 1-on-1 diagnostic session where we review your plant's progress, adjust the care prescription, and ensure you have a clear plan moving forward.
Do I need to buy expensive equipment?
Not at all. A basic watering can and your hands are enough to start. We'll show you how to use common household items for initial diagnostics.
What if my plant is already too far gone?
If your plant has any green left, there is hope. Our triage module covers emergency resuscitation techniques for severe cases.
RX: Triage Protocol
Get The Plant
Emergency Kit
Not quite ready for a full diagnostic assessment? Drop your email below to receive our free Plant Emergency First Aid Kit PDF — your immediate triage guide for yellowing leaves, sudden wilting, and unexplained droop.
By submitting, you agree to receive triage emails from Houseplant Hospice.
